Dear Internet,
They say that solid memories are made when new nerves fire and new connections are made. They say those vivid memories came from being exposed to those things for the first time. The first time you remember being at university and how it all made you feel, the first time you were kissed or touched, the first time your eyes lay witness to the Swiss Alps, the first time someone reached for your hand after a drought and the first time someone screamed at you. Sometimes it's not the first time, sometimes it's the last that sticks
Spooky season comes around every single year and although my brain is filled with my sister's birthday / halloween parties, where my mum would dress the house in faux web, incredibly believable costumes and always have a house filled with our favourite people... Halloween reminds me of when I had a pretty dress on for what I thought was a fancy dinner, and right there in a kitchen I had no attachment to, my ex got down on one knee. Spooky.
I'm not saying it'll be vivid forever but that was a first and I fear I may never forget it. I was ready to end a dead end relationship and he chose to propose on my sisters birthday. It was a strange time.
12 months ago, albeit a very auburn Autumn, October was a weird time. Mixed feelings about another relationship but in hindsight I was giving. I think I've, subconsciously, always dreaded it. Electric red early morning light shows, alive and kicking, ready to hold our hands into the dreaded colder month. I've never been the biggest fan of the cold and wet, but add in abrupt and dark endings to sparkly afternoons and you've got yourself a potion for real disaster. Add in being far away from family and having dinner alone every night and really... I do begin to really question why people enjoy winter at all.
This year, has been easier. Could it be that I've settled into new and adventurous work outside of this small village? Is it that my layers are warmer and somehow I don't feel as cold like I used to? Is it that I see friends more and invite people round more? I'm not sure, but getting up and out of the house is a huge deal for me so instead of going for a morning walk like a normal person, I booked my first marathon for mid March 2027 which means I have a 19 week countdown to the race and also, the start of Spring. What a joy.
My non- negotiables now include 3-4 runs a week. The week starts with confusion and dread as to how my body will, in fact, run 34km's and then, huge celebration when I've done it. It’s a rollercoaster to say the least. It has been a mind blowing journey and I have recently and (FOR THE FIRST TIME) been immensely proud of what my body can do for me. I’m terrible at feeling any pride in my achievements, so this is a pretty big thing for me.
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I have an enormous amount of gratitude for the opportunities I've had this year. How lucky to have been let go and freed? I have been asked to be part of things that others might only dream of and I consider myself one hell of a lucky girl. Sometimes, flowers do actually bloom from ashes, even when you wonder how anything could come from something so dark.
With the end of the year almost in sight now, I can't help but reflect on how it all started. But more impotantly, how far I've come since last October and all the others that proceeded it. The curtains are slowly closing on 2026 in ways I really didn't see happening.
Boy, i'm one lucky girl.